Speaking with Jenn about the Frederick Douglas autobiography audiobook she's listening to, I had an epiphany: I should stop trying to do things that I'm not good at and refine things I am good at. It's not so much defeatist as it is hopeful: I want to know how this whole "living" thing works. I want to live life well—to be good at it. I decided to quit the Temple project. In a matter of days, the Black Rock Arts Foundation will make a request for "Letters of Intent" to apply for an art grant. I might be able to make the temple; I might not. But what is it going to do—to prove? Rather, I want to focus on projects closer-to-home—something I'm good at already and can get better with practice.
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Yesterday I was sure the project was completely dead. I had nobody who was helping me. I created a model and sent photos to both Antoni and Brandon and received no response at all. But today I decided I would have to do it all myself, although I figured I should find someone to help with sketches.
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I told Antoni I was going to quit. I just couldn't bring myself to work on the models and I couldn't get all the things in my head about what it should look like. The project was just too big and too elaborate to complete. I didn't have all the answers yet, and I didn't think I could: everything from safety and design to shipping and clean-up. It was all just too much.
Well he pretty much dressed me down, albeit full of caring and understanding. He said I'd become just another person who doesn't do anything in the world, but if that's what I wanted, that's what I'd get. Also something about how I didn't have to know how to do everything: I could find people to help.
I don't remember much because it was pretty emotional for me. I was quite dejected about the whole thing, and when I left, I was resigned to do it—I had no choice in the matter as the plan was already in motion.
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